Everyday, thousands upon thousands of humans flock to advice columns. Be it for entertainment, insight or pure curiosity, these people value the opinions of strangers enough to evaluate their opinions on life choices. Why trust these inconspicuous strangers when you could do better?
You could ask a cat.
Here is Knowledge Cat giving some advice. Enjoy
Dear Knowledge Cat,
My husband and I are having problems. Lately he has become so distant. He is working late and when he comes home, he is much too tired to show me affection or even talk to me. I also work long hours and am tired. We rarely have fun anymore. Any suggestions for us to achieve our happy marriage once again?
-Lucy’s Mad at Ricky
Dear Angry Lucy,
You must make an effort to keep the spark alive. You must not allow him to ignore you! If you want affection, try sitting on his lap and staring at him. Don’t speak, just stare. If he is bold enough to push you off his lap, immediately return and sit beside him, still staring at him. Eventually he will give in and pat your head.
Sometimes, the man creature requires extra rest. When he is resting, try sleeping on his legs. Position yourself in an area that will gradually become unbearable. Trust me, he will notice you, and his sleepiness will disappear when he wakes to your warm sleeping body on his calves.
If you want to have more fun, try bringing in some toys to spice things up! Try a feather on a stick or a little ball with a bell in it. Just pass it back and forth until one of you gets bored or mad or bops the other one on the head. Fun toys are always therapeutic.
Dear Knowledge Cat,
I am a 14 year-old girl and no boys like me. I’m not ugly or weird or dumb, but I can’t get a boyfriend. All of my friends are dating and I am still awkward and alone. What can I do to get a boyfriend?
– Lonely Teen
Dear Silly Baby Human,
If it makes you feel any better, in cat years you are but a kitten. Do not worry about such things. Your friends are practicing their mating rituals young because they care not for quality but for quantity. Do not use them as an example.
If you must have a “boyfriend”… I suggest walking around outside the windows of boys you like. Just casually pace back and forth, and make noise. Continue to make louder noises until someone chases you off. Then, come back and continue to make noise. Also, lick yourself constantly. This will keep you looking clean, and attractive to your suitors.
Please feel free to leave a question for Knowledge Cat in the comments! Ta-ta!
Kitty Fiction 
